Truly not even sure where to start with this. Words just don't seem to do enough justice of what a journey it was to help bring Sailor to the world. I think I'll have to do a separate blog post just about surrogacy in general. This one will be for the birthing day.
On October 30th it was our 38 week check up. They asked if I wanted to have a cervical check and I declined. I was feeling great overall and very much at peace with my birth plan. We met with Dr. Laraway and briefly went over our plan and we measured my belly and heard the heartbeat and he said "See you in one week". After every appointment we'd say "I wonder how many more of these we really have." We thought at least one more maybe? The funny thing is we'd always end up in the parking lot discussing deep topics for at least a half hour before we finally left to see each other in another week.
I had done a hypno birthing course and practiced my affirmations, breathing exercises, and relaxation techniques every day. I used the birthing ball everyday to do hip opening stretches. I was eating 6 dates a day and drinking my red raspberry leaf tea. I've never prepped so much for birth. I had a birth plan but I knew well enough that labor and delivery can take many turns and I needed to be flexible to change. In my past two deliveries I always had an epidural and never really felt a contraction. This time I really wanted to give it a try to listen to my body and see if I could do this naturally. My birth plan said things like "No pitocin unless medically necessary, I will ask for pain meds if I need them, I would like to be as mobile as I can and try different positions to labor in, wireless monitoring, etc.." The birth I imagined in my head looked like dim lights in the hospital room, diffusing essential oils, relaxing spa music, and my husband doing counter pressure on my hips with each contraction while reciting affirmations to me. Sounds pretty nice, right? haha
On Halloween morning we went to Walkers school for the costume parade then Aspen and I headed to my parents house where I do my workouts. It was arm day that day. As I left my workout I remember thinking the night before Walker was born I had just done an arm workout and how funny it would be to go into labor the next day again (oops!). Later that night we went to Marks parents house to eat dinner and take the kids trick or treating with their cousins. I had been having braxton hicks contractions since I was around 22 weeks pregnant so that was nothing new, but normally they were happening when I was being more active and needed to sit to make them stop. These ones were coming while I was sitting and eating dinner so I thought that was odd. We took the kids around a little and I did some curb walking. I was feeling pretty good overall. That night we (by we I mean Mark) got the kids to bed and I got into bed around 8:30pm to watch my recent netflix show-Nashville. As I was laying there I put my last minute Saturday to-do's in my phone: Finish hospital bag, finalize birth plan, and finish my postpartum cart. We fell asleep maybe around 10pm. I think I was rolling over to get up to pee or maybe just switching sides and I felt a gush. I sat for a minute in disbelief when there was another gush. I said "Oh noooo" and Mark woke up. I told him my water broke and started to cry. I think I suddenly realized how much pressure I was feeling about it all. Which I put on myself. I had been preparing for this day for so long and now it was here and I just wanted everything to go so perfect for Taylor and Abbel. Mark must've known (he usually does) and started to whisper how proud he was of me. I went to the bath tub and he started pacing and texting everyone. I asked him what time did my water break. "You won't believe this.. it broke at 11:11pm".
Mark was texting Taylor and Abbel and keeping them in the loop. They already knew I wouldn't be rushing to the hospital. I wanted to labor at home as much as I could. I was planning on following the 5-1-1 rule. 1 minute contractions every 5 minutes happening for one hour. I laid in the bath for a bit and decided it would be best to get back in bed and rest up until the contractions were getting regular. At that point I wasn't feeling anything. Around 2 am they came but weren't too intense or close together at all so I was able to rest still. 5am they were coming at 5 minutes apart. They were intense enough that I had to get up from resting and sit on all fours and focus on my breathing. They were pretty consistent until about 5:30 and we told Taylor and Abbel if they kept being consistent for a little longer we'd head over. My parents came over that morning to be with my kids in case we had to leave in a hurry. We really weren't sure how quickly or slow things would progress. Then randomly they stalled. They were maybe every 10 to 15 minutes and not very intense. I could still talk through them and was okay. My mom came over to be with the kids which was really nice. I got in the bath again and then tried to get more rest. I was torn between going on a walk to get labor moving again or resting as much as I can for when it's go time. We decided finally to call the on call Dr. I told him when my water broke and that contractions had stalled. He said since it had been 12 hours it was probably time to go to the hospital and get started on pitocin. I hung up and started crying. It felt like my "plan" was slipping away already. I was under the impression that if you had pitocin its very difficult to have a labor without epidural. Mark went to Zupas and brought me lunch and then we let Taylor and Abbel know we were headed to the hospital.
We got checked into the hospital about 12:30pm and I changed into my hospital gown. First they checked to make sure my water did actually break (it did) then they checked my dilation. I was at a 2. I was so bummed. I told Mark if I wasn't dilated to a 4 I was going home. But with no contractions I knew Taylor wanted to make sure Sailor was okay and after your water breaks for 24 hours the risk of infection goes up so we were running out of time. Once Dr. Laraway got there we discussed a plan of action. He was very understanding of what I wanted and we made a plan that I could try a few more things for one hour to try to get things going again. They put in an IV with a saline lock so I could be more mobile after checking that everything with Sailor was okay. I got on the exercise ball and started doing all my exercises. I got a few more contractions but they weren't consistent. They started my IV and low dose pitocin at 3:00pm. I was starting to feel more contractions fairly quick but I could still breathe through them pretty well over the next little while. 30 minutes later they doubled it then doubled it again and things got spicy pretty quickly. I was switching from being on my hands and knees over the birthing ball on the floor then to the hospital bed on all fours. Mark was really great at doing counter pressure on my hips through every contraction. I had a birthing comb and some calm music in the background. I asked them not to check me for a little while so I could try to work through some of the pain. I was really proud of how far I made it but I could also tell my body was tiring pretty quickly. Poor Taylor and Abbel just had to sit and watch me in pain and I know they wanted to help. They were fanning me with every contraction because I was getting pretty warm. Also, just a quick shout out to my husband. He was my rock in that room. With every contraction he was there helping me through it. He made sure to keep me hydrated and usually that just meant bringing my water up to my lips without even asking. He helped be my voice when I needed it and kept me stocked on snacks so I could keep going. I also only snapped at him once or twice so that's not bad.
Around 5:45pm I asked her to check me and was really hoping I'd be an 8. I knew if I was I could probably keep going. I was a 5. I felt so defeated in the moment and it hurt to tell the nurse "I would like an epidural". Mark (my "doula") asked me if that is what I really wanted. I told him yes I was ready for it. I knew I just needed a rest. In the moment I felt like I had failed. 20-30 minutes later the anesthesiologist was there and I wanted to kiss him honestly. I had two more intense contractions just while he was trying to position me for my epidural and I could not relax my body. I was so tense and yelling "ow ow ow". The epidural pain was nothing compared to the pain I was feeling. I felt relief almost instantly. I laid back and could finally completely relax my body. I fell asleep for a minute but didn't love how numb my legs were. Yes, I know that is the point of an epidural but it made me feel trapped and anxious. I had the same feeling with Walker. I didn't even like looking at the nurse moving my legs around because they felt so disconnected from my body. We turned the TV on and started watching the dodgers game. About two hours later the nurse checked me and I was fully dilated and Ayrika (our nurse) looked up at Taylor and said, "Are you ready to meet your baby?" Instant tears. From her and from me. It was finally go time!
The nursing staff starting getting everything prepped and ready for the doctor. My legs were COMPLETELY numb so they helped me get into position. I was feeling some adrenaline and was grateful for the epidural to give me time to relax so I could have the energy to push. Dr. Laraway made his way into the room and got all gowned up. There was so much excitement in the room even the nurses couldn't wait to meet Sailor. They had Mark holding my right leg and a nurse holding my left and said with the next contraction it was time to push. I've never pushed so hard in my life I thought my eye balls might pop out of my head. Even after that first push I could tell I had made progress because of the look on everyone's face. They could see that Sailor had some hair and was making her way into the world. The next push Laraway told me to slow down. I think he needed to make sure the cord wasn't wrapped around her neck. I think I only had to push maybe 3 more times and I could feel her slip out. Suddenly I could breathe a lot better and she was already crying. I couldn't believe it. She was finally here! Sailor made her debut at 8:31pm. They set her on my chest with a towel and Taylor was just to the left of me with tears running down her cheeks. "You did it!" She said to me. I think Abbel was in a little bit of shock and all the nurses were so happy. Taylor wanted to delay cutting the cord until it was no longer pulsing so she sat on my chest for a while. I was starting to feel guilty and just wanted that baby in her moms arms but later I found out that Taylor had agreed to wait until the cord was cut. We all just sat there in disbelief. It's hard to put into words all the feelings I felt in that moment.
At some point Taylor had slipped into a hospital gown and once Abbel cut her cord she went to her mom and had some skin to skin. Seeing Taylor in the chair across from me with tears in her eyes and her baby on her chest was something I pictured for over a year. That was my "why" anytime pregnancy felt tough. Abbel sat beside her and Mark next to me while they stitched me up. With my previous births I always had a second degree tear and one was almost three. This one was only a first degree tear. My placenta came out shortly after and the Dr was nerding out on how unique it was. I actually don't even remember why it was unique but he asked if he could take a picture and he was showing all the nursing staff. Taylor and Abbel stayed in our room for a bit so they could have their golden hour and we waited for my epidural to wear off. It took longer than expected so we had to stay a bit longer but they said Taylor and Abbel could go into their rooms for the night since it was around 10pm. Watching them load all their things and wheel their baby out of the room was another thing I won't forget. Also, shout out to Ayrika and her mommy mocktail. That really hit the spot.
The next morning the nurse asked when we'd like to go home and I just told her whenever we were able to. She said we could go home once the Dr came to check on me. Taylor and Abbel were right next door so they came over and spent some time with us. I got to see Sailor again. The most beautiful little samoan princess. She had some curly dark hair, her daddys nose, and the cutest chin wrinkle. It is odd to explain the love I feel for her and her family. It's not a motherly type of love and it's so much deeper than just a friendship. I felt like her auntie.
Taylor asked if my kids wanted to come meet Sailor so we had Marks brother bring them over that afternoon. Aspen had been asking if she could hold Sailor since she was the size of a poppyseed. The kids walked into my room and Aspen didn't say "Hi mom!" or "I missed you mom!" It was.. "Where's the baby??" Then Walker told me he was proud of me which I'm sure his dad told him to say but still felt nice to hear. I texted Taylor and she said to come on over. We walked into their room and Sailor was there in her daddys arms all swaddled up. Aspen got to hold her and just had a little smile on her face the whole time. She did not want to let go. She could've stayed there all day. One of the pediatricians stopped by and did a little check up on her and Aspen stayed right there the whole time. Now it was our turn to go home. We gave everyone hugs and headed out. We got to show Walker and Aspen the exact delivery room they were born in too. Then our little family left the hospital. I had so many people during my pregnancy asking if I was worried I'd bond to the baby or if I'd feel sad when I left the hospital. Honestly, it was never a worry of mine but I also knew postpartum hormones can make you feel a little crazy. But leaving the hospital that day with my family I felt nothing other than pure joy. Sailor was safe in her mom and dads arms and I completed that part of my journey.
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